A Letter to 2016

Well, 2016.

Your time is nearly out, and it's tempting to say good riddance. To Brexit, to Trump, to experiencing the less pleasant sides of working in TV, to trying to leg it up a down escalator with my confidence and self belief; but in amongst the international bleakness there was much to celebrate - you brought many of my friends into marriage, gave me unforgettable memories with my best friend at Eurovision, and took me over 4,000 miles away to work in Guadeloupe.

I don't really know what to make of you. Even the most special moments and proudest achievements were a difficult and often emotionally painful struggle to reach, and in the last few months I feel like you've tried to unravel a lot of them. Friends are harder to hold onto, and the energy for the achievements I crave is harder to come by. But if there's anything your predecessors have taught me it's that the tough times  - when we're most exposed to the unfairness and struggles of the world around us - that build us up and make us the people we really want to be. It's human to dwell on the negatives, but I can't ever forget that I have an amazing family, great friends and that I have been blessed with opportunities and privileges that so many people would love. I got to visit two new countries, step up the assisting career ladder and meet some amazing people - and that's what I will remember you for.

For every person that didn't think I could do something, someone else took a huge risk on me. For every time the one putting me down was me, someone else told me otherwise. You taught me, through the best people in my life, how to love, care and laugh.

I think in the end, you were lost, scared and misunderstood, just like most of us. I hope we can learn your toughest of lessons and come together to help 2017 blossom through the ashes.

Faith and... not much really

I've come to accept that this blog is the antithesis of my social media accounts. Like many others, I'm often guilty of only talking about the best bits of my life on Twitter and Facebook, and just resorting to talking about small oddities or different things all together when times aren't so great. Here I seem to have done the opposite - I've gone a bit quiet when things are going well, and posted plenty when they're not.

In one way, that's inevitable - when things are going well, it's difficult enough finding time to wash my hair, forget write long blog posts. I also think that it's ok (so long as this doesn't become 'Naomi's blog of self pity'). There's plenty out there about the highlights of working in this profession. It's only natural to want to post the exciting things - your name in the credits, wrap parties, adverts for the show.  It's also a pretty sensible approach - it goes for all lines of work that it's wise to stay positive, at least publicly, about your job. I just suppose that in a blog about my personal experiences, I feel like I have to try and say the less commonly said, and be completely honest about both the good times and the not so good.

So, to play catch up - I'm pretty sure this blog doesn't have a readership much beyond my social media circles, but for anyone who doesn't know me in person - quite a lot has happened since the last time I wrote a blog about my career. So here are the very brief highlights

• I left my full time job at the post production company
• After doing so, I worked as a second assistant editor on three dramas. I came in for the end of one and saw another pretty much the whole way through.
• I finished on my third job a few weeks before Christmas, leaving me with my first proper taste of unemployment.

In summary - despite lots of ups and downs, I finally found the thing I really, really like doing and am pretty competent at, but now I can't seem to claw my way back in. I feel like ever since one job in particular, things have gone downhill. 

That might be a little strong - this time of year is known as a difficult one to get work in as it just isn't when companies are crewing up. I'll also be the first to acknowledge how incredibly fortunate I've been up to this point. I've had some amazing opportunities and learning experiences - I am of course still grateful for that. The thing is, that between then and now, I've done a day's cover for one show, and two weeks of night shifts for another. That is very little time to spend doing what I would call my 'primary' job, and I think it's possible to both be grateful for the work you've had, and really struggle when it's not in your life. 

Because that's the thing - these gigs can be all-consuming things. You put in a vast quantity and range of hours. I've literally worked, at some stage, every hour of the twenty four that a day has to offer. I think sixteen hours is my record for time spent at work (it may be more if you start to count dealing with emails and phone calls at home), and I have to admit, I thrive off being busy and needed - so when that's pulled away it's really difficult to face up to the vast nothingness that greets you.

Of course I'm doing things to counter this. I'm trying to keep my CV circulating, my post production skills up to date and pick up bits of work here and there, but nothing is the same as being fully employed doing the job you've fought to do. It's not the same sense of achievement, the same feeling of being a part of something, or the same sense of worth. 

I'm not very good at being unemployed. I don't like having big stretches of nothingness that I need to work out how to fill. I have done and will probably continue to take on unpaid or low paid work, but it's dangerous waters. It's one thing to have your own 'passion project', it's another to spend time working on something, especially where the opportunities for learning or creative ownership are not there, and then having very little show for weeks of your life (financially or otherwise). Getting the right project can be very rewarding - but the wrong one can be soul destroying. It's something that you can deal with when you know you have an income to subsidise it, but otherwise it's very demeaning. Staying motivated becomes incredibly difficult when you can't get someone to pay you to do your job.

To be brutally honest -months of either nothing, rejections or drawn out 'maybe's have led me to being very low at points. I like to work and I find life pretty tough without it. This is an element of my line of work that I'd prepared myself for financially but not emotionally. I just assumed that when work was not a-plenty, it'd be easy to spend the time writing, cutting things for free and doing all the things I don't normally have time to do. It never occurred to me how overwhelming and emotionally trying the vast expanses of nothingness would be. I'm not standing in competition to anyone - I know people have been through worse and for longer.

I think I've drawn myself into a very long winded way of saying that it's ok to admit when things aren't great. I suppose it's only right to try and balance out the superficial positivity that most of us emanate online, with the reality- sometimes life's good, sometimes it's not. Sometimes we're interesting, funny and clever, and sometimes even that is taken away from us. When you're not so proud of yourself (I blame no-one but me for the situation I'm in), when you're not the one who's getting the limelight and success, I don't think it's healthy to pretend otherwise. As someone who's ambitious, and more competitive than I would like to admit, I would quite like to act as if this time isn't happening, but the reality is different and I shouldn't create a narrative that says otherwise. All that happens then is that we collectively create this 'happy bubble' online that makes us in turn all feel even worse during the bad times. Life is a mixture of good and bad, and none of us are perfect (least of all me).

My response has to be the only one available that can have a positive outcome - keep fighting, searching, e-mailing, and yes, doing those free projects where I need to. Learn stuff, write stuff, do whatever I can to stay sane and get back on the ladder. Find ways to motivate myself to do the things I won't have time for when I'm back in full-time work. I once listened to a sermon about how our 'time in the wilderness' is the time God uses to teach us, show us the aspects of ourselves we need to change, and to train us for what's ahead - in summary, he uses that time to 'grow' us. In that respect, lent is a really appropriate time to publish this, I'll just have to pray that my wilderness isn't for another forty days and that it doesn't end in crucifixion...