For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.
I'm an anxious person. Anxious about if I was nice enough to that shop assistant, whether I worded that e-mail correctly, whether I left something on the tube. Even whether I bought the right flaming bag of rice (although if it's on fire, I've definitely gone wrong somewhere). You get the idea. I'm also anxious about the bigger picture. I'm anxious to achieve all the time and I've changed from a patient little girl to an impatient grown woman - when it comes to the bigger picture at least.
A little impatience can be good. It can kick you on the backside when you're not pulling your weight, either with your own goals or being a positive, responsible presence in the world you live. Too much however, is counterproductive. Worse than that, it's terrible for your mental health and general well-being. Overwhelming yourself with ideas about where your career should be, how much you should weigh, and all the new skills you've suddenly decided you should have, actually just causes you to stop all together. It undermines your focus and you don't know what to do with yourself so you just end up sitting worrying about what an awful person you are and how far away you are from your goals, without making any actual progress in anything. Which for someone like me is paramount to failure - and there the loop-the-loop begins (and I hate roller coasters. Literal, metaphorical and use as a metaphor). You just stop and sink.
And that's exactly what I did to myself last year.
I told myself that I wasn't good enough because I wasn't first assisting right from the start of the year, because I wasn't running far or fast enough, my (millennial cliche alert) body wasn't good enough and I hadn't suddenly, out of nowhere become this amazing writer or actor. Quite frankly that led to times where I hated myself and the life I led (I don't use the term 'hate' lightly, especially in the currently unpleasant political climate), and was completely incapable of seeing how outrageously blessed my life is.
Similarly, 2017 hasn't been the best of starts for me. There's been a few reasons, but it's mostly because I've let my impatience get the better of myself - why hasn't my life suddenly become the Utopian vision I want it to be? Some genuine questions I've asked myself within the space of a few weeks include: why am I not getting to do any cutting on this job? Why haven't I learnt to drive yet? Why am I not writing, learning to sing, creating short films, acting? Why can't I run very far? All of which were immediately followed by: what's wrong with me?
Well, the answer to the final question is that I always think about the hundreds of things I want to do or think I should be doing with my life, and allow myself to get so overwhelmed that I end up just doing nothing with the limited free time I have. It's the same with work - I berate myself for not getting further or for not working on this production or in that job role, and that just leaves me feeling like I want to go home and forget it all - and also leaves me very vulnerable to letting the basics of my job slip. Again - counterproductive and damaging.
There are of course times to really push yourself (or literally run that extra mile). I did some insane hours on one of my jobs last year where I practically pushed myself to breaking point, but there was a specific reason to do it and the hard work paid off. I'm utterly proud of what I achieved both professionally and personally, and I'd put myself through it again. My mistake was in not allowing myself to recover and to almost immediately start berating myself that I wasn't moving at the same pace from then onward.
Looking at my attitude last year and at the start of this one, I know I will always want to do and be better. I always want to achieve and be productive, and in an industry that is always running at full-pelt, where you're surrounded by successful people making a name for themselves, there will always be a pressure to go further. I need to learn, however that sometimes progress just means taking it slow for a little bit - moving forward means easing your pace, rather than trying to sprint and ending up collapsing.
On that note, let's go back to one of my personal interrogation subjects for a moment. In 2016 I completely fell off the running wagon - mostly because I thought I'd failed if I didn't run at least three times a week and either go faster or further on each run. It, naturally, wasn't sustainable and I ended up finding I wasn't getting out there any more.
This year I've started up again. I only go once a week. The first time I went was a week into January and I just about jogged 4k before wanting to collapse. Five runs in and I've just doubled that. When I go out now, I tell myself that it doesn't matter how fast I go - if I can just do what I did last week, then I'm doing great - and sometimes I find that positive feeling of reaching an achievable goal gives me that final bit of energy to go just that bit further. Suddenly I find that I actually enjoy running again - it's time away from a screen, and an excuse to listen to music without using your brain for much else, and in amongst all that, I've made some progress I'm really proud of. Taking my goals and my literal steps at a steady pace has meant that running has been both my most enjoyable, and my most successful challenge of the year so far. (As a natural exercise-phobe, I can't believe I just wrote that).
Likewise, this year, I need to learn when to jog and when to sprint in my wider being. This isn't me telling myself to be complacent - I want to keep going, to maintain certain standards and I want to do big things with my life - I've learnt not to shy away from that fact about myself, but you can only do that one step at a time. One foot in front of the other.
I will always doubt myself. To an extent I know that I will never believe I'm doing enough or am good enough, but that's ok if you can accept that as part of your personality and learn to use it as a motivator and not a stick to beat yourself with (and grasp that there is a difference between the two).
Now, do excuse me whilst I help my previous self to recover from all those running metaphors.
