Confidence.
However you interpret it - in social terms or just beleiving in yourself, I guarantee you I've battled with it more than once in my lifetime, to varying degrees. It jumps around so much that some people would laugh at the very idea of me being shy or lacking in any sort of confidence, and others probably wonder how it is I manage to leave the house in the mornings.
Right now - life is generally good and I should have no particular reason to feel shy or without self assurance. So here's the point where I sit back and ask myself why my self, social and whatever other confidence there is to have, is going through such a low patch.
One answer could be that I'm still not over the tough year I had a while back. It's possible that I haven't given myself enough time to bounce back from working myself silly whilst feeling like I was going nowhere. I've written before about how I place too much of my self worth in my work.
The other could be that there's so much going on now that I really care about. Coming to the end of a job that has revived my desire to work in TV, as well as really wanting to put on a good performance in the play I'm currently rehearsing for, probably means I'm putting too much pressure on myself and allowing my brain to overload. The more I care, the tougher I find it to get things right.
However, the most likely answer is a lot less satisfying, and far more difficult to address. Yes, the above are probably both factors. I could blame it on some sort of childhood experience if I really wanted to. None of that negates the fact that sometimes it simply comes and goes. Anyone who's battled with shyness could list the social situations where they've just clammed up and their mind's gone blank for no particular reason. Anyone who's experienced insecurity could name you plenty of incidences where all of a sudden, it feels like they're incapable of anything, no matter what they've achieved or are achieving. Anyone who's even just creative could write you a really angst-y and probably very dull poem about the times they've lost their instinct, their mind's dried up despite working on a really exciting project. Sometimes your mind just fails you.
My quiet, sometimes shy personality means it's not rare for me to be greeted by surprise when people hear about my work and my hobbies, but confidence and desire are not mutually exclusive, you can aim for the stars and see just how far away they are. Struggling to believe you're capable of something doesn't mean you want it any less than someone who feels they can do anything. It might sound backwards, but my shyness and lack of self belief are often the drivers for me to work so hard and throw myself out of my comfort zone.
You see, I can't just wait for my confidence to come back. It doesn't work like that. Confidence is gained and regained by proving to yourself that you can do something. Sometimes that proof comes through a really painful process - being bad at something you were once good at, allowing other people to see your weaknesses, coming face to face with everything about yourself you'd rather forget. Sometimes that painful process might even have painful results. The rewards, however, when you finally make progress, are unspeakably brilliant.
I often beat myself up about the way I am, but there are silver linings. You get really used to putting up a fight. Every time you decide to have that conversation, give something new a go or walk into that room full of unfamiliar faces - you're choosing to face up to an insecurity. You don't always win - and that really hurts. You get incredibly frustrated with yourself but you keep going. You risk feeling that way all over again because one day you won't be scared of who you are in front of that person. You'll know from experience you can do that job, play that part. Be yourself again.
And you know what, if you mapped my confidence on a graph (what else would you do, when your dad's a demographer), it would probably still show an overall upward trajectory. Not a steep one, and not one without significant, prolonged dips, but upwards nonetheless.
I may never have the levels of self assurance and belief that others do. I may always find myself freezing, looking at the floor and going bright red in certain social situations - but experience has shown me that there's one thing I can always trust myself to do, however tough it gets.
Never stop trying.
And now I will try, once more, to fall asleep.
'Here comes the sting the pain again
Just open up and let it in
That's where the healing can begin
And when you stay away from dreams,
Your world is never what it seems,
The end is falling into reach'
