2017 - An Obligatory Year In Review

After the extremes of 2016, it's tempting to think of 2017 as a bit of an uphill struggle that culminated in distinctly average results. However, to think like that would be to enact a terrible habit of mine - obsessing over what I did and didn't do or achieve, without looking up and seeing the blessings that surround me.

There's no getting away from the fact it's been a tough working year. When your job encompass so much of your life, it hits hard when it doesn't go to plan. The excitement of travelling for work and assembly editing in 2016 was always going to be difficult to live up to in 2017, and when some opportunities did come, it was when my day to day working responsibilities were at their most intense, and my personal life at its busiest or most emotionally difficult. It felt like I didn't show myself at my best.

However, I ended the year on what has so far been a lovely job, certainly the best gig I've worked on in quite some time, and I can relax and enjoy the Christmas break, knowing I will be continuing my role into the new year. I also got to reap a reward of 2016 - seeing my first assembly editor credit broadcast, and received some positively sparkling silver linings on the tough gigs of 2017 - I worked with some amazing people, who I'm probably all the closer to for the mad workload. Moreover, being pushed to your absolute limit makes you admit personally and professionally that you do indeed have a limit - and teaches you that people in and out of work are more understanding about that than you'd think.

I performed in two shows this year, but I have to give special mention to The Anniversary, my first play with Incognito Theatre. I was trusted with a part which pushed me a long way outside my comfort zone and eventually boosted my confidence to levels I'm not sure I've ever experienced before. After feeling exhausted, creatively unfulfilled, and a little broken following a particularly tough job, this experience helped put me back together. The support and patience from the cast, crew and director was incredible, and for the first time since I can remember, I think my biggest achievement of the year lay outside of my work(/education - if you go back far enough!). From the first rehearsal to the final curtain, it was an experience I'll always cherish.

2017 was also the year my grandma was diagnosed with dementia. Naturally that's devastating news, and has been particularly difficult for my mum, who has had to deal with both the emotional and practical pains that come with it. It has also shown me the absolute best of my family (who I obviously knew were brilliant anyway). From the amazing strength, resilience and compassion my mum has shown in the most trying of times, to watching my amazing dad and sister calmly and patiently helping grandma up the front step into our house on Christmas day, I have been reminded time and time again that my family are beautiful and that I couldn't have hoped for a better one. (No, I'm not crying...you are).

The diagnosis spurred Helen and I to do a 10k run in aid of Alzheimer's Research UK. Taking on the challenge with my sister definetly made it a highlight of the year - even if she was faster than me!

I find it all too easy to look back and beat myself up for what I didn't achieve or do 'well enough' at, but that's a terribly selfish and ungrateful way to look at the year. For all my frustration about the London housing market, and still sharing a rented flat, never was I in want of a roof over my head. For all the quick sandwiches I've wolfed down whilst walking out of work late at night, never have I had to wonder where my next meal was going to come from. For all the times I was frustrated with how my career was going, I always had work in 2017 when I needed or wanted it. For all the times I've felt down, stressed, angry, broken or just exhausted, I have always had a family member or a friend to vent to.  As a girl who hangs too much of her self worth and happiness on achieving and generally wanting to be better at stuff than she is - yes, it was a frustrating and exhausting year. But my life is extremely, unfairly blessed and I should never forget the riches God gives me by His grace, year on year, despite me straying further and further.

2017 also brought more cake baking, another panto, being the editor for a short film (which I really hope I'll get to tell you more about in 2018), another puppet video, a much awaited return to the Edinburgh festival, a fun photoshoot with friends, more theatre trips, more Shakespeare, a tweet unexpectly appearing in Broadcast Magazine, and even a little trip to York. It was also the year the Conservatives lost their majority, and our Leave-loving-tory MP lost his seat to a man with an awesome name, so it really can't have been that bad.

As for 2018? Well I think it should start with gratitude for all I've been given in 2017.

Taking it Slow (ish)

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.

I'm an anxious person. Anxious about if I was nice enough to that shop assistant, whether I worded that e-mail correctly, whether I left something on the tube. Even whether I bought the right flaming bag of rice (although if it's on fire, I've definitely gone wrong somewhere). You get the idea. I'm also anxious about the bigger picture. I'm anxious to achieve all the time and I've changed from a patient little girl to an impatient grown woman - when it comes to the bigger picture at least.

A little impatience can be good. It can kick you on the backside when you're not pulling your weight, either with your own goals or being a positive, responsible presence in the world you live. Too much however, is counterproductive. Worse than that, it's terrible for your mental health and general well-being. Overwhelming yourself with ideas about where your career should be, how much you should weigh, and all the new skills you've suddenly decided you should have, actually just causes you to stop all together. It undermines your focus and you don't know what to do with yourself so you just end up sitting worrying about what an awful person you are and how far away you are from your goals, without making any actual progress in anything. Which for someone like me is paramount to failure - and there the loop-the-loop begins (and I hate roller coasters. Literal, metaphorical and use as a metaphor). You just stop and sink.

And that's exactly what I did to myself last year.

I told myself that I wasn't good enough because I wasn't first assisting right from the start of the year, because I wasn't running far or fast enough, my (millennial cliche alert) body wasn't good enough and I hadn't suddenly, out of nowhere become this amazing writer or actor. Quite frankly that led to times where I hated myself and the life I led (I don't use the term 'hate' lightly, especially in the currently unpleasant political climate), and was completely incapable of seeing how outrageously blessed my life is.

Similarly, 2017 hasn't been the best of starts for me. There's been a few reasons, but it's mostly because I've let my impatience get the better of myself - why hasn't my life suddenly become the Utopian vision I want it to be? Some genuine questions I've asked myself within the space of a few weeks include: why am I not getting to do any cutting on this job? Why haven't I learnt to drive yet? Why am I not writing, learning to sing, creating short films, acting? Why can't I run very far? All of which were immediately followed by: what's wrong with me?

Well, the answer to the final question is that I always think about the hundreds of things I want to do or think I should be doing with my life, and allow myself to get so overwhelmed that I end up just doing nothing with the limited free time I have. It's the same with work - I berate myself for not getting further or for not working on this production or in that job role, and that just leaves me feeling like I want to go home and forget it all - and also leaves me very vulnerable to letting the basics of my job slip. Again - counterproductive and damaging.

There are of course times to really push yourself (or literally run that extra mile). I did some insane hours on one of my jobs last year where I practically pushed myself to breaking point, but there was a specific reason to do it and the hard work paid off. I'm utterly proud of what I achieved both professionally and personally, and I'd put myself through it again. My mistake was in not allowing myself to recover and to almost immediately start berating myself that I wasn't moving at the same pace from then onward.

Looking at my attitude last year and at the start of this one, I know I will always want to do and be better. I always want to achieve and be productive, and in an industry that is always running at full-pelt, where you're surrounded by successful people making a name for themselves, there will always be a pressure to go further. I need to learn, however that sometimes progress just means taking it slow for a little bit - moving forward means easing your pace, rather than trying to sprint and ending up collapsing.

On that note, let's go back to one of my personal interrogation subjects for a moment. In 2016 I completely fell off the running wagon - mostly because I thought I'd failed if I didn't run at least three times a week and either go faster or further on each run. It, naturally, wasn't sustainable and I ended up finding I wasn't getting out there any more.

This year I've started up again. I only go once a week. The first time I went was a week into January and I just about jogged 4k before wanting to collapse. Five runs in and I've just doubled that. When I go out now, I tell myself that it doesn't matter how fast I go - if I can just do what I did last week, then I'm doing great - and sometimes I find that positive feeling of reaching an achievable goal gives me that final bit of energy to go just that bit further. Suddenly I find that I actually enjoy running again - it's time away from a screen, and an excuse to listen to music without using your brain for much else, and in amongst all that, I've made some progress I'm really proud of. Taking my goals and my literal steps at a steady pace has meant that running has been both my most enjoyable, and my most successful challenge of the year so far. (As a natural exercise-phobe, I can't believe I just wrote that).

Likewise, this year, I need to learn when to jog and when to sprint in my wider being. This isn't me telling myself to be complacent - I want to keep going, to maintain certain standards and I want to do big things with my life - I've learnt not to shy away from that fact about myself, but you can only do that one step at a time. One foot in front of the other.

I will always doubt myself.  To an extent I know that I will never believe I'm doing enough or am good enough, but that's ok if you can accept that as part of your personality and learn to use it as a motivator and not a stick to beat yourself with (and grasp that there is a difference between the two).

Now, do excuse me whilst I help my previous self to recover from all those running metaphors.

A Letter to 2016

Well, 2016.

Your time is nearly out, and it's tempting to say good riddance. To Brexit, to Trump, to experiencing the less pleasant sides of working in TV, to trying to leg it up a down escalator with my confidence and self belief; but in amongst the international bleakness there was much to celebrate - you brought many of my friends into marriage, gave me unforgettable memories with my best friend at Eurovision, and took me over 4,000 miles away to work in Guadeloupe.

I don't really know what to make of you. Even the most special moments and proudest achievements were a difficult and often emotionally painful struggle to reach, and in the last few months I feel like you've tried to unravel a lot of them. Friends are harder to hold onto, and the energy for the achievements I crave is harder to come by. But if there's anything your predecessors have taught me it's that the tough times  - when we're most exposed to the unfairness and struggles of the world around us - that build us up and make us the people we really want to be. It's human to dwell on the negatives, but I can't ever forget that I have an amazing family, great friends and that I have been blessed with opportunities and privileges that so many people would love. I got to visit two new countries, step up the assisting career ladder and meet some amazing people - and that's what I will remember you for.

For every person that didn't think I could do something, someone else took a huge risk on me. For every time the one putting me down was me, someone else told me otherwise. You taught me, through the best people in my life, how to love, care and laugh.

I think in the end, you were lost, scared and misunderstood, just like most of us. I hope we can learn your toughest of lessons and come together to help 2017 blossom through the ashes.

Faith and... not much really

I've come to accept that this blog is the antithesis of my social media accounts. Like many others, I'm often guilty of only talking about the best bits of my life on Twitter and Facebook, and just resorting to talking about small oddities or different things all together when times aren't so great. Here I seem to have done the opposite - I've gone a bit quiet when things are going well, and posted plenty when they're not.

In one way, that's inevitable - when things are going well, it's difficult enough finding time to wash my hair, forget write long blog posts. I also think that it's ok (so long as this doesn't become 'Naomi's blog of self pity'). There's plenty out there about the highlights of working in this profession. It's only natural to want to post the exciting things - your name in the credits, wrap parties, adverts for the show.  It's also a pretty sensible approach - it goes for all lines of work that it's wise to stay positive, at least publicly, about your job. I just suppose that in a blog about my personal experiences, I feel like I have to try and say the less commonly said, and be completely honest about both the good times and the not so good.

So, to play catch up - I'm pretty sure this blog doesn't have a readership much beyond my social media circles, but for anyone who doesn't know me in person - quite a lot has happened since the last time I wrote a blog about my career. So here are the very brief highlights

• I left my full time job at the post production company
• After doing so, I worked as a second assistant editor on three dramas. I came in for the end of one and saw another pretty much the whole way through.
• I finished on my third job a few weeks before Christmas, leaving me with my first proper taste of unemployment.

In summary - despite lots of ups and downs, I finally found the thing I really, really like doing and am pretty competent at, but now I can't seem to claw my way back in. I feel like ever since one job in particular, things have gone downhill. 

That might be a little strong - this time of year is known as a difficult one to get work in as it just isn't when companies are crewing up. I'll also be the first to acknowledge how incredibly fortunate I've been up to this point. I've had some amazing opportunities and learning experiences - I am of course still grateful for that. The thing is, that between then and now, I've done a day's cover for one show, and two weeks of night shifts for another. That is very little time to spend doing what I would call my 'primary' job, and I think it's possible to both be grateful for the work you've had, and really struggle when it's not in your life. 

Because that's the thing - these gigs can be all-consuming things. You put in a vast quantity and range of hours. I've literally worked, at some stage, every hour of the twenty four that a day has to offer. I think sixteen hours is my record for time spent at work (it may be more if you start to count dealing with emails and phone calls at home), and I have to admit, I thrive off being busy and needed - so when that's pulled away it's really difficult to face up to the vast nothingness that greets you.

Of course I'm doing things to counter this. I'm trying to keep my CV circulating, my post production skills up to date and pick up bits of work here and there, but nothing is the same as being fully employed doing the job you've fought to do. It's not the same sense of achievement, the same feeling of being a part of something, or the same sense of worth. 

I'm not very good at being unemployed. I don't like having big stretches of nothingness that I need to work out how to fill. I have done and will probably continue to take on unpaid or low paid work, but it's dangerous waters. It's one thing to have your own 'passion project', it's another to spend time working on something, especially where the opportunities for learning or creative ownership are not there, and then having very little show for weeks of your life (financially or otherwise). Getting the right project can be very rewarding - but the wrong one can be soul destroying. It's something that you can deal with when you know you have an income to subsidise it, but otherwise it's very demeaning. Staying motivated becomes incredibly difficult when you can't get someone to pay you to do your job.

To be brutally honest -months of either nothing, rejections or drawn out 'maybe's have led me to being very low at points. I like to work and I find life pretty tough without it. This is an element of my line of work that I'd prepared myself for financially but not emotionally. I just assumed that when work was not a-plenty, it'd be easy to spend the time writing, cutting things for free and doing all the things I don't normally have time to do. It never occurred to me how overwhelming and emotionally trying the vast expanses of nothingness would be. I'm not standing in competition to anyone - I know people have been through worse and for longer.

I think I've drawn myself into a very long winded way of saying that it's ok to admit when things aren't great. I suppose it's only right to try and balance out the superficial positivity that most of us emanate online, with the reality- sometimes life's good, sometimes it's not. Sometimes we're interesting, funny and clever, and sometimes even that is taken away from us. When you're not so proud of yourself (I blame no-one but me for the situation I'm in), when you're not the one who's getting the limelight and success, I don't think it's healthy to pretend otherwise. As someone who's ambitious, and more competitive than I would like to admit, I would quite like to act as if this time isn't happening, but the reality is different and I shouldn't create a narrative that says otherwise. All that happens then is that we collectively create this 'happy bubble' online that makes us in turn all feel even worse during the bad times. Life is a mixture of good and bad, and none of us are perfect (least of all me).

My response has to be the only one available that can have a positive outcome - keep fighting, searching, e-mailing, and yes, doing those free projects where I need to. Learn stuff, write stuff, do whatever I can to stay sane and get back on the ladder. Find ways to motivate myself to do the things I won't have time for when I'm back in full-time work. I once listened to a sermon about how our 'time in the wilderness' is the time God uses to teach us, show us the aspects of ourselves we need to change, and to train us for what's ahead - in summary, he uses that time to 'grow' us. In that respect, lent is a really appropriate time to publish this, I'll just have to pray that my wilderness isn't for another forty days and that it doesn't end in crucifixion...

Just Vote Already

I could be wrong, but it seems there might be a general election happening soon. Alright, yes, of course I know. I've not stopped going on about it since the last one.
Now, I have some very strong political views, but I'm going to do my very best to keep them out of this, and simply explain why as Christians, we should not only vote, but be very, very careful about how we decide to who to vote for.

This is going to seem like stating the obvious and then putting it up on a massive billboard, but the government are very important. They make decisions that affect our health systems, welfare, housing, the economy...in fact, there's no point in making a list. It's their job to, you know, run the country. You may feel that the decisions listed above are too easily swayed by vested interests, or that the system doesn't allow real change, but a lack of voting is not going to do any more to change that than writing a letter to congratulate everyone on what a good job they're doing.

People think that by not voting, they're standing up against the system. What they're actually doing is ensuring that it goes on exactly as it was and that the same people can run it, unchallenged, exactly how they, and not the public, want to. The percentages you ultimately hear after the votes have been counted only reflect the people who show up. For example - in this election, Labour and the Conservatives are very, very close in the polls at the moment, swapping between 33-34% each. If this were to happen in the election, it wouldn't mean about a third of the country supported each of our main parties. It means a third of the people who got off their backsides and into a polling station supported each of those parties. The people who didn't show up aren't reflected at all.

If as Christians we are supposed to make a difference, stand up for what we believe in, for our neighbours, and those in need, then we are shooting ourselves in the foot, promptly followed by one of our two faces if we don't vote. Why? Because we've missed our chance- one that only comes about once every four or five years, to be heard. To not only be the voices of ourselves, the church, our faith, but those whom we were instructed by God to stand up for. If you're not happy with any of the main parties - vote for a minority one. Or at the very least spoil your ballet paper, at least the number of spoilt ballet papers is read out (although this should be an absolute last resort as it still won't count).

If the voice of the church isn't heard in the polls, the simple fact is, the politicians won't care. Young people are often the target of cuts because much fewer of them vote. The older population very rarely feel the cuts in the same way because they turn up and have their say. If as Christians we avoid the polling station, it's the same as staying silent about all the things our current government have done, whether we agree or not. We're basically saying 'you can do what you want, because I won't stop you if I don't like it, and I won't support you if I do like it.'

Take the Lib Dem tuition fee pledge last year. The student vote was a huge factor in the rise of their party. Yes - they went back on that promise, but that caused outrage, people took to the streets during and after the parliamentary vote. This time round? Tuition fees are back on the agenda. The parties that feel they still have a chance with students are promising to cut or scrap the fees. Whether things change this time around depends very much on whether this generation of students take to the polling stations in similar or larger numbers. As Christians, let's not wait for a party leader to put us on the agenda - let's review all the policies and the politicians, then vote the way we think is right. That way we're making the first move, not waiting around for someone to take up our cause.

Then there's the next issue - not only do we have the responsibility to vote, we should do so responsibly. What policies would Jesus agree with? Which politicians would He anoint? We should be wary about anyone who out of the blue (or yellow, or purple or red...you get the picture), declares their Christian faith and values. Almost all of them seem to at this point. Especially if a hustings is held at a church. On that note, go to a hustings. As they're local and often held away from the spotlight, they can be very insightful.

Whilst thinking very carefully about the party we're voting for, who's in that party, and the specific MP we're voting for, we should approach the media coverage with extreme caution. Seriously, it should come with a warning, like cigarettes do, it's that dangerous. Are you honestly going to vote for someone because they're the most 'media friendly'?

In Matthew's gospel, Jesus says 'Beware of false prophets, who come to you in sheep's clothing but inwardly are ravenous wolves'. Although Jesus is talking about Christian teachings, I think the phrase 'ravenous wolves' is a great way to sum up the Great British press. The fact is, that almost every paper in this country has a political agenda, and it is to their advantage to push it as strongly as possible. Many of them are very closely linked to our country's politicians themselves, others choose to take advantage of the huge amount of power they hold over them. Scaremongering, hyperbole, and eye-catching, yet ultimately irrelevant facts (and pictures) all sell papers. As such, they're all tactics used on a daily basis by the majority of our press.
Now, not every journalist is evil, and not every news report is wrong, but when reading a headline - especially a political one, you should always ask yourself these questions:

• What party does this paper support?
• Who runs this newspaper, and how does this headline benefit them?
• What is this newspaper's track record?
• What facts in this article can be verified?
• What is the other perspective on this?
• Why are they breaking this story today?

In the past few years we've had hacking scandals, hypocrisy from some of our papers regarding tax affairs, countless accusations of downright lies, unnecessary personal attacks (Gorden Brown's children have nothing to do with his ability to run a country, neither does Ed Miliband's ability to eat a bacon sandwich, or how David Cameron chooses to eat a hot dog), a whole enquiry into the behaviour of our press and a battle with consistent sexism in the majority of our papers. The list could go on. My point is - let's not necessarily take them at their word, huh?

We then have television news, which, because operating under much stricter rules than our press, is better but not perfect. Various broadcasters have been accused of bias towards the left or right at some stage, but very importantly, television headlines are often derived from newspaper headlines - so again, listen out for the name of that newspaper, and refer yourself back to the questions above. ITV may very well spend half an hour creating a very fair debate on who eats their food more elegantly, but it's the  press who put that piece on nonsense on the agenda. A good example is the Telegraph's recent publication of a letter from a hundred business leaders in support of the Conservatives. Whatever your political views, you have to admit, it's very impressive that they managed to get all our major broadcasters talking about a headline that bottles down to 'rich people support the Conservatives'.

Every party has at some stage indulged in political point scoring, finger pointing and spin. Sadly it's become how you survive in this political landscape - owning up to unpopular policies or ideas before an election, even if you really believe in them, means you'll be sunk by the media and your opponents. Complicated policies, or policies that reflect the complexities of a situation don't fare much better, because the reasoning behind it can't be reduced to a headline or shouted into a crowd of rowdy MPs in parliament. So we have to do our own research. Look into the track records of those who want to run our country. Work out who's values and priorities are genuinely in line with yours. Then get out there and have your say.

7th May. Write it on your forehead if you have to.

The Title Post

Given that this blog is called 'Cutting it as a Christian', I've written remarkably little about faith and editing. In fact, I've written remarkably little at all lately. Time to rectify this. By talking about puppets. Obviously.

Don't close the tab just yet, there's method in my madness. It's by cutting a video that centred around puppets that I was reminded of one of the many reasons I love the editing process. I love how you can start from trawling through what can be hours worth of footage, pick out golden moments, put them in order, refine them, find patterns, restructure again and again, and finally end up with something complete, layered and sometimes quite different to what you started with. It's an often frustrating, but ultimately very satisfying process. It's often in the edit that subtleties and meanings can really start to surface, and really it's a great privilege to be the one to unearth them. I'm going to go out on a limb here and say it's widely accepted among Christians that God is in art, and to me editing in itself is an art-form through which God can speak.

All this from a puppet video you say? Maybe I should take a step back for a moment...

Over Christmas I was involved in creating our annual puppet music video for church. Yes, you did indeed read that correctly. Every year we put on a puppet show for two of the local schools' annual carol services, which are held at our church, and over the last few years we've created a video to accompany this.

This time, we opted for an upbeat version of  'Do You Hear What I Hear?' In the video, there's an instrumental section that involves two of the puppets (a sheep and a green shepherd, because all the best shepherds are green) heading off to tell a king about this miracle baby the angel's told them about. I love cutting to instrumentals, there are no words to dictate the picture so they allow a certain creative freedom that you don't get in many other genres. Sometimes they're not thought about before or during filming, which makes them a complete and utter nightmare because you have nothing to fill them, but in this case, we had discussed them beforehand and the on-set team had done a fantastic job, managing to capture lots of wonderful and creative ideas for me to work with.

I've deviated somewhat (remind me never to play 'Just A Minute'). Back to editing. Suddenly I'm cutting this video together (more specifically this instrumental), and really starting to see a deeper meaning in the footage I'd been given to work with. It may have just been meant as something to be quite amusing and get the characters from A to B, but it actually started to form something more than that. It started to feel like the shepherd was so enthralled by this news, and saw it as so important that he was rushing, pelting it across the land (or...Eastleigh) to tell the 'mighty king' of his incredible news. First he rushes past the station, beckoning the sheep on, as if he's saying 'come on - we've got BIG NEWS to spread'!

Then, as they pass the church, the shepherd hurries on past the camera - and turns round - where's the sheep? He runs out of frame, and returns seconds later - carrying said sheep. It's a lovely comic moment that the team created on set, but to me it has some beautiful subtext. In his desperation to proclaim his news, he still doesn't leave anyone behind. He has a destination to get to - but when he sees the sheep struggling, he decides to take on the extra weight rather than dash on alone. This in my mind is so reflective of what this child would one day go on to teach. It's so human and chaotic but love and determination wins out. Maybe I'm going a bit deep, but that's what I saw, and that's how I cut it. Don't get me wrong, I also thought it was a pretty good way to get a laugh, but just because something's funny it doesn't mean it can't have depth.

We finally go to a shot of the sheep sitting on top of a statue whilst the shepherd hurriedly looks round trying to find it. I could start comparing it to the parable of the shepherd and the lost sheep, but then I'd be unnecessarily mixing messages and being very dishonest by saying I thought it was anything other than a nice way to fill the following few seconds before the next verse started.

All that from what ends up being mere a few seconds of the video. It's basically two puppets dashing around to music, but at the same time it there's a meaning there for those who want to see it. It doesn't scream 'OI KIDS - CHRISTMAS IS ABOUT JESUS' (which is a good job really, there's probably rules against that and we'd never be asked to do another video next year.), It's fun, and it captures the impact of the birth of Jesus without ever forcing our views upon anyone.

It goes back to when Jesus was asked why He so often spoke in parables. I've already touched on that though, so I'll only recover that ground when I run out of ideas for this blog.

To claim that all this solely comes from the edit would be doing a terrible disservice to all those who work in scripting, pre-production and production, but these processes tend to get the recognition they deserve, whereas I think editing carries a much greater weight than it's often given credit for. I was heavily involved in the preparation and scripting of this video (yes, puppet music videos need scripts), and I can say that an awful lot of the above didn't occur to me until I started to cut and look back on the footage.

At the beginning of this post I used the phrase 'centred around puppets', but actually, I don't think it was. It was a video centred around the Christmas story. It's about the spreading of the news that a great saviour has come to us in the form of the child. It was just allowed to be a fun puppet show too. The edit played a huge part in both.

There we have it. I can finally justify the blog's title. Which is nice, as deep down I'm quite proud of that wordplay.

The Jungle: A hot, sweaty, grubby mirror?

Right everyone, just give me a second to wipe the dust off this thing.

Yes, it's been a while. There's good reason for that, which will be revealed in good time. For now, however, I've reached out to the back of the shelf to drag this blog into the light of day, in order to write about a certain reality show that's generating headlines here, there and everywhere.

I feel that, until the other day, I had done an excellent job in avoiding 'I'm a Celebrity...Get Me Out of Here!' altogether, until I ended up in the same room as someone who wanted to watch it. It started out as me simply being too lazy to move, and ended in myself getting drawn in by the beast I saw before me. Much like the proverbial car crash - I was fascinated and horrified in equal measure. It made me feel pretty helpless too. The show manages to hit viewing figures as high as ten million, and people take part in the public vote in their thousands. 

Before I properly begin (yes, I know I'm already on paragraph four), let me get one thing out of the way. I know the 'celebrities' put themselves up for it. I know that they know exactly what the show's like and what to expect. What I want to talk about is not so much the ins and outs of the show in itself, but the appeal on which it runs.

In which case, I'll hurry past the fact that the programme was a staggering hour and forty minutes long, along with the first hour or so of standard reality set-up, padding and melodrama, and get straight to one of the more interesting alarm bells it set off. I guessed the second they opened up voting who was going to end up enduring a 'bush tucker trial' . Clearly it was the one who made the most fuss over completing their first challenge. Whether the audience do it as a punishment for showing such 'weakness' or because it'll prove more entertaining to see someone provide them with bigger reactions to the challenge, I'll leave to be discovered. One thing is clear though - the audience pounced upon the person they perceived would, at least outwardly, have the worst time during the trial. The audience wanted to create a bigger struggle to an actual person. The confines of a reality show seem to completely change our reactions to someone having a bad time. Or does it simply make the same thing we've always felt deep down more acceptable?

The whole voting aspect really does say something in itself. 'I'm a Celebrity...' is not a show that's simply based upon revelling in the pain, fear and discomfort of others, but where the audience get to feel like they're making it happen. They choose, they decide. 'Hey people of the UK - who shall we throw bugs over today?'

The other thing that astounded me was the psychological level on which the show operated. From very deliberately degrading names and environments such as the 'celebrity slammer,' and its 'inmates' being dressed in stereotypical prisoner's clothes, to making the survivor of the first 'bush tucker trial' choose which group to give their food to, clearly planting a few early seeds for conflict later on. The whole thing seems to be grounded in a very transparent social manipulation of the contestants. I use the word 'transparent' but in actuality it was a celebration of it, and I'm pretty sure I spotted more than a hint of disappointment in the eyes of Ant and Dec when the decision was actually made very easily and painlessly. 

Talking of the nation's cheeriest hosts - the whole thing is presented to us in a fun-loving style with plenty of gags from the chirpy presenters. The voting details are displayed in a garish yellow font with upbeat snazzy music and a friendly voice-over. This, ladies and gentlemen, is entertaining and accessible. This is easy viewing. Let's find some nearly-famous people, starve, humiliate and come as close to torturing them as we're allowed, all because their careers haven't quite gone to plan. It's not at all dissimilar to theatre theorist Antonin Artaud's concept of a 'Theatre of Cruelty.' The idea that there is a sub-conscious part of all of us that responds to pain and wants to see more of it.  

The show does have some redeeming features. Watching a group of people band together to face their fears, forming friendships and realising they're capable of things they never thought they could do, was genuinely quite joyful to watch. However, I doubt the show would do nearly as well if everyone was able to face all the challenges in their path with a good nature and all come out stronger and happier. Let's face it, that's not what the show thrives from.

So what does all of this say about us? About the programme's audience, and those who vote? I know plenty of people who watch this show who are genuinely lovely, caring and empathic. I really struggle to understand their enjoyment of the show. Does it come down to that basic idea of detachment? It's on a screen therefore it's safe, it's a different world? Is it purely cynicism - that not even reality TV is real, everything's fixed, therefore this is ok? Or is there something much darker in even the nicest of us? Maybe someone better versed in psychology than me could answer that question.

I'm sure, as far as the jungle itself goes, everything that happens is actually fine. Everyone knows they're on a TV show which is produced and structured as any other would be. I'm sure whatever happens in those three weeks, everyone goes home pretty unscathed, both physically and mentally, but that's a little beside the point. The show is based on the enjoyment people get from watching and voting on real people have a rough time. It's that underlying buzz from watching others struggle that's interesting, and concerning. I would be very surprised if the show isn't once more covered by 'Gogglebox' (a programme that I'm sure at some point will merit its own blog post), and I very much look forward to watching some of the (heavy editing aside), base human reactions it generates.

I have to admit, that although it's the most obvious example, this jungle-based circus is not alone on thriving on the ideas discussed in this blog. I also imagine plenty of people would disagree with my analysis altogether, and I'd love to hear your opinions. However, as I have mentioned before, the media can become an astoundingly perceptive mirror into the way we are, and the consistent success of 'I'm a Celebrity...' forms a fascinating, if not somewhat worrying reflection to look at.